


Hitagi Wandering

by StudentOfEtherium



Category: Bakemonogatari
Genre: Angst, Canon Lesbian Character, Coming Out, Conversations, Gay Male Character, M/M, POV First Person, Rain, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, mild but if you're sensitive to that stuff be careful
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2020-12-16 14:21:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21037634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StudentOfEtherium/pseuds/StudentOfEtherium
Summary: The troubles with the crab are over, but not all problems have a supernatural cause.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to Luke (@senjohohogahara on twitter) for help on this, he's the biggest Hitagi fan i know, and this wouldn't have happened without his help

A couple weeks back, I came to the realization that I'm trans. It wasn't an immediate realization, but rather one that came bit by bit. In part from research of my own and in part from realizing myself, it slowly clicked. 

And since then, I’ve been lost. It’s hard to know where to go yet, and from that, I’ve ended up paralyzed. I don’t want to take missteps, but at this point, everything looks like a pitfall.

Nothing’s changed yet, but how could it? I’ve told nobody, not even hints. I'm the same old Senjogahara that's everyone has known. Except I'm not! Things _ have _ changed. 

But I’ve been silent on this matter.

I don't want to hide this, not again. I don't need to do it alone, now that there are people here for me.

But I wasn't alone before, was I? I could ask her again. I crawl over to my bag and pulled my phone out.

* * *

hey, you busy after school tomorrow?

Kanbaru: Uh 

Kanbaru: Don't think so

Kanbaru: Why?

i wanna talk with you about something

ill explain more tomorrow

Kanbaru: Oh, uh, okay

Kanbaru: Should i come over, or

we'll walk home together

* * *

I toss my phone onto a pillow across the room. I think for a second, and crawl back over to it again.

* * *

youll love me no matter what, right?

Koyomi ❤️:: What kind of question is that? Of course I will. Nothing could make me stop loving a girlfriend as amazing as you

* * *

I can’t think of any reply. I set my phone down and move back to where I was sitting. I take some papers out of my bag and try to work on homework. I pick up a pencil out of my bag and try to start working.

Several minutes later, I’m still staring at an empty page. I put the pencil back and lay down. I’m not in a place to be doing anything like that tonight. 

After staring at the ceiling for who knows how long, I try sitting up again. Even if it’s something unimportant or meaningless, I want to be doing _ something _. I can’t just sit around.

I stand up. If I have nothing to do here but think on this, I might as well leave. I quickly grab some clothes and head out. Once I'm outside, I start running. 

I used to run a lot. It's fun. A great way to clear your head. But circumstances didn't allow it. I've missed this feeling.

Kanbaru tells me she runs a lot. Makes sense, even after dropping off the basketball team, it's good to stay consistent with that kind of thing.

I wish I had been able to keep doing this.

I stop at the side of the road and check my pocket, only to realize it's empty. I think about it for a second, before turning around and starting my way back. I was getting tired, anyway.

By the time I get back, it's rather late. As soon as I'm back in the apartment, I check my phone. No new messages. Breathing a sigh of relief, I take out my bedding and start getting ready for bed. Dad won't be home for a while longer, which I'm fine with. Some space tonight would be nice. I get in bed and pass out pretty quickly. Hopefully tomorrow goes well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new series of mine, tackling something pretty familiar. The first chapter is coming soon.


	2. I Hope She Understands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He comes out to the best person he can think of, but will be she of any help?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for transphobic dialogue

School was a blur, much as it has become lately. It's impossible to focus on work when I have so much else on my mind. She and I never ran into each other between classes, which I'm fine with. It gives me more time to prepare.

After classes end, we meet up at our agreed upon location, outside the gate. I already told Koyomi I'd be walking home with Kanbaru, which he accepted. We would go unbothered for the rest of the afternoon, if we so choose.

I wave as I approach the gate. She waves back and runs over to me. “So! What's up?” I hesitate, before responding. “Let's start walking before I get to that.” She nods, and we start walking.

We stay silent for a few more minutes before I decide to speak up. “So… Kanbaru, you're gay.” She glances over at me. “Well, last time I checked, I was.” I nod. “Well, uh, I-” I cut myself off. “Sorry, give me a bit.” She nods. “Take your time.” 

I consider my words, before continuing. “You know a lot about queer topics, right?” She shrugs.”Well, it doesn't feel like it, but it's probably more than most.

I nod.

At this point, there's no going back.

“Kanbaru, how much do you know about transgender people?” She shrugs again. “Well, I don't have any first-hand experience, but I know enough, I suppose.”

As I try to continue, the words get caught in my throat. I try to force them out, but it gets me nowhere.

I hang my head and grab my phone out of my bag. I send a quick message, before glancing away.

* * *

im trans

* * *

She checks her phone quickly, before nodding. “I figured it was something like that. The direction you were leading things only has so many outcomes.” She glances at me and smiles. “It's fine. I'm honored you're coming out to me.” She walks over to me and reaches her arm around. I look at her and smile. “Thanks.”

She looks around for a second. “I think I recognize this area. There's a park nearby that should be pretty empty, we can sit there.”

We make our way to the park and as Kanbaru said, it's nearly empty. We find a bench in the shade and sit down. Once we're settled in, Kanbaru speaks up. “So! More details? This is something huge, I'm sure there's a whole story.” I think for a second, before responding. “Well, it's only been a few weeks now. I'm still unsure on a lot of stuff here, but I just know I'm a boy.” I continue. “You're the first person I've told about this, since I don't know who I can trust about this. I know you're gay and stuff, so I figured you'd have a closer connection to any of this than anyone else I know.”

Kanbaru nods. “Well, I can't say I know much about this, but I can certainly try to be supportive. It's the least I can do.”

I continue. “I want to come out to Koyomi, or transition, or something! But I don't know where to start or how to go about this.” I pause to catch my breath. “I don't want to suffer through this any longer than I have to. Not again.” I start to tense up. “I've already lost so much of my life to cursing this fucking shell. I don't want to lose any more.”

At this point, I'm crying. “I just- I just don't know what I need to be doing. I don't know what I need to be doing for myself, for my body, or for others.”

I stop. It's not that I have no more words to say, but it's too distressing to make them heard. After a couple moments of silence, Kanbaru comes over and hugs me. “I understand. This is a lot for you to be dealing with.” She looks around for a second before continuing. “The weather doesn't seem great. Let's go back to my place and talk.” I nod and stand up. She starts to walk and I follow her.

It doesn't take us long to make it to her home. We stayed quiet the way back. Once there, we hurry to Kanbaru’s room. She clears some space for us to sit, then hurries out to grab drinks.

Once she's gone, I look around the room. It's been so long since I've been here, since we've been close enough to be visiting each other. So much has changed since then, for both of us. Does she still love me? Middle school was only a few years back, but those years proved to be so much for us. 

I look over at the window. In the time it took for us to walk from the front door to her room, a heavy rain had started. I shiver.

She comes back in carrying a couple of drinks. She sets them on the ground, walks over to a pile in the corner, and digs out a small space heater. She smiles. “It gets cold in here when it rains.” She walks back over and plugs it in, then turns back to me. “So, how are you doing? You need more time, or…” She trails off. I nod a little. “It's okay, take however long you need.” We sit

in silence for a while, the only sounds coming from the hum of the heater and the rain falling outside.

Eventually, I find it in me to speak up.

“So… What?”

She looks over at me. “Well, we talk, I imagine. There's a lot to talk about.” I nod. “Well, I don't know where to start.”

She thinks for a second before responding. “Well, what about transition? What's your goal there?”

“I… I guess hormones? I've already thought about surgery, but that's so much to think about and I really don't know yet.” I look down. “My breasts aren't huge, and I don't really have as much an issue with them, at least, compared to personal accounts I've read. I can give or take them, but given the option, I guess I'd get rid of them. I've tried looking into binders, but it's overwhelming, so I haven't learned much.” 

I continue. “I don't think I would need to look super masculine or anything to be happy, I just want to be recognized as a man.”

“I understand.”

Outside, the rain sounds like it's getting harder.

“You said you want to come out to Araragi, but do you plan to do that soon, or will you be holding that off until later?” I think on that for a second. “I don't really think I'm ready for that yet. I was comfortable coming out to you because I know you, and I know you're someone I can trust with matters like this. I don't have the same trust in Koyomi. I don't know what steps I could take to prepare for this, but I want to figure something out.” I pause to take a breath. “Coming out to him is very important, but I'm so scared of what he'll say. He always says he supports me and cares about me, but what if this is what pushes past what he's willing to accept. I'm already so much for him to be dealing with. He doesn't deser-” ''Senjogahara!” She cuts me off. “I understand the anxiety you have here, but we both know Araragi and we both know he wouldn't do that.” I quietly mumble out, “Yeah…” 

I sigh. “It's just hard to not feel anxious about this. It's not likely that things go wrong, but if they do, I lose so much.”

She nods.

“I understand this anxiety. I've felt similarly before, as you know. It takes a lot to tell someone.”

Kanbaru stands up and starts stretching.

“Come out to him when you're ready. But maybe you should be preparing yourself for that, if you want it to happen soon.”

She starts pacing around the room, then looks back at me. “Oh, sorry, I tend to get a bit restless when sitting for too long.” I shrug. “That's fine. I get it.”

After a bit, she sits down again. “So. What now? More to talk about? Plans, ideas, what?” I think for a second. “I'm done talking for now. I'd rather focus on anything else right now.” She nods. “Well, then, what?” I shrug. “I don't know.”

Kanbaru walks over to the outer door and opens it a little. “It's nice out.” It's still raining heavily. “Wanna move out here for a bit?” I stare at her for a second before standing up. “Yeah, why not?” We sat down on the porch looking out.

We sit in silence for who knows how long watching the rain. Eventually, the sky starts to get darker. Kanbaru breaks the silence. “It's getting late, but the rain isn't letting up. Wanna stay for dinner?” I pull out my phone to check the time before responding. “Yeah, that sounds fine. Dad won't be home until really late tonight, anyway.” Kanbaru nods. “My grandparents should be finishing dinner soon.”

I start getting up before I realize. “Wait, do they know to be making food for one extra person?” Kanbaru shrugs. “They always assume whenever I have friends over that they'll be staying for dinner. Worst possible outcome is we have even more leftovers.” She shrugs. “It works.” I don’t respond. “Hey, let’s go get ready.” I sigh before following her along.

We wash up and head over to the dining room. Kanbaru’s grandfather directs us around as we set the table. Once we’re done, Kanbaru and I sit down and wait. While we do so, she glances over at me. “You said your dad won’t be home tonight, right? How’d you feel about staying over tonight?” I hadn’t considered that yet, but it’s a good idea. “That sounds fine. Do you have any plans?” 

“No tonight, but I was thinking that tomorrow we could contact someone else to help us.” 

“Did you have anyone in mind? Because I’m not sure how many others I’d be fine telling about this right now. I only told you because we’re close, and I knew you’d understand this.”

Just then, her grandmother comes by with food. Very quickly, plates, bowls, and other vessels fill the table.

I poke Kanbaru and whisper, “We can talk more about this later.” She nods, and I turn back to her grandparents.

It’s been a long time since I’ve seen them, since middle school. When Kanbaru and I stopped hanging out, I had no reason to see her family. I hadn’t even thought of them in years. However, they clearly remember me.

“Oh, it's been so long, Hitagi. Too long.” Kanbaru's grandfather spoke up first. I nod back. “Three or four. Since middle school.” He laughs. “I remember when you and Suruga were utterly inseparable.” Her grandmother spoke up.”Why, if you were a man, I would've thought you were a couple.”

I glance over at Kanbaru. She gives me a knowing look and frowns. “We were just friends, grandpa. We were as close as-” She stops herself for a second. “We were as close as any girls are at that age.” I try to not react. Her grandfather continues. “I'm serious! You two would have made a great couple. If only. It's a shame.” 

I look at Kanbaru, trying to get across to her what I'm feeling. She seems to understand what I mean, and she responds. “Well, the past is the past. Senjogahara and I didn't get together, and that's that.” I'm not sure if he understands what she's getting at, but nonetheless, he changes the subject. “That reminds me, Suruga, when are you going to be getting a boyfriend? That Araragi boy you hang out with seems nice.” For the worst. I speak up in Kanbaru's place. “Actually, I'm dating Koyomi, and I'd rather not let him go.” He laughs. “Well, you seem to have bagged a nice man. Any woman would be happy to have him, especially one as womanly as yourself.” Her grandmother chimes in. “Oh, yes! You've grown into such a fine woman since we last saw you, especially since you were so boyish in middle school.” 

I can't deal with this anymore. I stand up and excuse myself, before heading back to Kanbaru's room. As I leave, I hear Kanbaru explaining for me. “Senjogahara has had a rough day; Senjo probably just needs to be alone.” More conversation followed, but I didn't stay to listen.

Once I found my way back to her room, I found a bedroll and set it out. Then, I sent my dad a text to tell him what I was doing tonight. 

And then I'm left with nothing to do. I just have to kill time until Kanbaru gets back, but I have no idea how long that could be. I could take out some homework and work on that, but I know that could go nowhere. I open the side door and take a seat on the porch. It's still raining heavily, but I like it.

As I sit around, I think back. They couldn't even tell, right? There's no way they could tell from just that, I barely even spoke. But what if they did, and their comments were intentional.

I try to move my thoughts from this, but I'm caught on this until Kanbaru comes back. “Sorry about all that. They're normally harmless, but whenever I have friends, they get worse.” 

She sits down next to me. “Anyway, as I said before dinner, I have someone in mind. Someone else you could talk to about this, someone who is smart and would know about this stuff.” She pauses for impact. “Miss class pres herself, Hanekawa Tsubasa.” 

I consider that. “Well, I suppose, yeah. She might be a good person to tell. But…” I trail off. 

“You don't have to tell her if you don't want to. I could talk around and find someone else, or we could just keep this between us in the meantime.” 

I shake my head. “No, Hanekawa would be fine. We're close, and as you said, she probably knows a lot about that.”

Kanbaru claps her hands. “Perfect! We should get in touch with her soon, then. Do you have any specific time frame you'd want this to happen in, or…”

“Tomorrow.”

“O-oh.” 

She's clearly surprised.

“I want this over as soon as possible. I don't want this being dragged out and taking forever. The sooner I'm able to be out to people I care about and able to make this body something I'm fine with, the better. I see no reason to hesitate.”

She nods. “I understand. I'll get in touch with her, and we can meet after school tomorrow, like we did today.” She picks up her phone.

“I'd suggest preparing yourself for this, but I trust you'll already be doing that.” 

I nod back at her.

Tomorrow, another step forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here's the first chapter proper! More to come in the future, but I have a lot planned, and I'm excited to get to it.


	3. She Knows Everything, Right?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Senjo comes out to Hanekawa. Conversation ensues.

I wake up early. Glancing over at Kanbaru’s bedroll, I see she’s already missing. She told me she takes morning runs. That must be where she’s gone. I take my time getting dressed. Once I’m done, I open the door outside. It’s still raining, albeit less than the night before. 

Fitting.

I watch the rain fall for a few minutes. Then, I hear Kanbaru coming back in. I turn around. She’s soaked and drying herself off with a towel. “Oh, you’re up.”

“Oh, uh, yeah, woke up a few minutes ago.”

She nods. “Well, you hungry?” I shrug. “Hungry enough.” She finishes drying off her hair, leaving it a mess, and throws the towel into a pile of clothes. “Breakfast is leftovers, and you didn’t eat much last night. You should eat.” I shrug. That’s what I had been getting at.

I follow her out into the dining room and we grab food from the fridge before sitting down at the table. “My grandparents don’t usually wake up too early, so we should be fine today.” I nod and she continues. “I’ve already got in touch with Hanekawa. She says to meet up in room 203 after school.” I nod again.

That’s the same room she uses for student council meetings. She must like it.

It’s also outside that room that I first met Koyomi.

I brush aside that thought. It will only lead to bad places and I shouldn’t be distracting myself like that today.

“Have you given any thought to how you’ll be coming out to her? I left the message as vague as possible, so it’s all up to you.” I shake my head. “Well, I’m sure she would be fine with you coming out like you did with me, but I imagine it’s far from optimal. Of course, if you can’t do anything else, it’s fine, I understand, just sayin’”

I wave her down. “I’ll be fine” I really haven’t put any thought into that yet, but I still have a whole school day ahead of me to figure something out. 

We finish up our breakfast and clear our dishes. We finish getting ready for school, and then we leave.

The school day goes by as uneventful as ever. I’m still quite out of it. I’m sure the teachers are noticing, but if they are, they’re not really yelling at me over it.

I avoid meeting Hanekawa’s gaze the entire day. I don’t know if she did the same, or if she spent the day staring at me, wondering what I could need to tell her. More likely, she was busy focusing on class, like she always is. Even with all the time she’s spent out of school lately, her grades are as good as ever.

It really is like she knows everything.

I know how she would respond to that, but she does give off that feeling. She’s the most knowledgeable person I know.

So surely she knows enough to help me, even a little.

During lunch, I run off quickly to avoid confrontation. I find Kanbaru, and we hang out for the short time we have to eat.

“H-have you talked to her at all today?” Kanbaru shakes her head. “We haven’t ran across each other yet and I haven’t felt the need to text her.” I nod.

“I’m nervous.”

“Understandable. I can kinda get what you’re going through, but only so much. Of course, I sympathize, so if you need anything from me, just tell me and I’ll do my best.”

“Thanks for that, but hopefully I won’t need to rely on you for this. I want to be able to do this myself.”

Just then, the bell rings, and we both have to rush to clean up and get back to class. We wave goodbye before running off in different directions.

Back in class, it’s much of the same. I give up trying to pay attention and zone out for the rest of the day. Eventually, I hear the school bell ring, and I get up to leave among the crowd. I look back at Hanekawa, who’s talking with a couple of our classmates. I send Kanbaru a quick text

* * *

Hanekawa seems to be delayed

Kanbaru: okay

* * *

I make my way to the agreed meeting spot and wait outside until Kanbaru arrives. She waves at me and we make our way inside.

“It’s weird seeing classrooms all empty like this. Spooky, like the cram school.”

“Is it really? It looks like any classroom does when it’s empty? Have you never stayed even slightly after class?”

“...No.”

I sigh and start taking chairs down to make us a place to sit. I wave at Kanbaru to help me move desks around and soon enough we had a space cleared.

As we finish, she arrives.

She walks in and does a little bow. “Hello, Kanbaru, Senjogahara.” She makes her way over to the small table we assembled out of desks and sits down.

“So, what reason do you two have for calling me here?”

I stare at her. I don’t want to hesitate, but as I try to speak, the words become caught in my throat. Kanbaru nudges me with her elbow.

“I- Uh.   
I stutter over myself.

Hanekawa cocks her head. “What’s this about?”

I hesitate for a second before spilling it out.

“I’m trans.”

“Oh? Is that it?” 

She smiles. “Have you told anyone else, or just the two of us?” She gestures to Kanbaru. I shake my head. “Just the two of you, so far.”

She nods. “Well, then I really don’t know what to say here. I assume there’s more you two have discussed. Mind filling me in on that?” 

“Oh, well, uh…” I stutter. “I don’t even know where to start. There’s so much going on here.” She nods again. “Well, then let me ask a few questions.” She sits up and gathers herself.

“Pronouns?”

“He/him. I’ve considered they/them, but it doesn’t fit properly.”

“Transition goals?”

“Hormones and a binder, I think. I’m not entirely sure, but I have time to decide.”

“Is there a new name I should call you?”

“Hitagi is a rare name, so I don’t mind it.”

“One last question. Social transition goals?”

“I want to live as myself and not have to hide that from anyone I care about.”

She nods. “Good goals.” She stretches her arms for a second, before returning to the conversation. “Do you have any plans for how to go through with the goals you have set out?”

“I don’t. I have no idea where to start.”

“Well, in that case, would you mind if I got in touch with a couple friends who know more about trans topics and transition?”

“I don't mind, as long as you leave my identity vague or let me know who they are so I can approve them myself.”

Hanekawa takes her phone out of her pocket. “In that case, I'll just mention you as a questioning friend of mine.” She smiles. “Hope they don't think I'm talking about myself.”

She starts tapping away at her keyboard silently for several minutes, before setting her phone down and looking back at me. “So now that that's out of the way, what do we have to talk about? How can I help?”

“I. I really don't know. That's what I was hoping you could help me figure out. You know everything. I'm sure you know what I need to be doing.”

“I don't know everything. I just know what I know.”

I groan. 

“I walked into that, didn't I?”

“Yes, you did. I don't know everything, and that's important. My knowledge is limited, but what I know can still be useful.” She sighs. “Unfortunately, I don't know much about this. Trans topics don't come up in school very often, and until recently, I had no reason to put any serious research towards it in my independent studies. I'll help how I can, but the most use I can be is to point you towards people who know more, the two I mentioned earlier.”

“Well, do what you can.”

I stand up and stretch a little. Too much sitting today and not enough moving around. “Could we take this outside? I need some fresh air.” Kanbaru stands up tok. “Sure. I've always found being outside helps with thinking things over. The roof sound fine?” I glance over at Hanekawa, who shrugs. “Fine with me.” 

Kanbaru claps her hands. “Great!”

Hanekawa stands up. “Before we leave, shouldn't we put the desks back?” Kanbaru waves her off. “I was the one who suggested we push them together, so I should be the one to put them back.”

Hanekawa nods. “We'll meet you up there, then.”

We turn away and make our way to the stairs. As we climb, Hanekawa speaks up. “You said you want to be on hormones, right?” I slow down a little and stare as her. As she passes me, she stops. “Well, yeah.” She stares down at me. “Do you have any changes in mind?” I glance at my arms. “More muscle, for one. I've always been weak, even at my most athletic, and these last few years have made exercise difficult, so I've become weak. But even if I tried working out, I wouldn't naturally reach a point where I am comfortable.” 

I start walking up the stairs again. As I pass her, I continue. “I've considered facial hair.” She starts to follow. “I think I want something, or maybe even just to have the option, but I have no idea what I'd do. Something to decide later.” I stop by the door and turn around. “In the end, my answer is just ‘I want to look like a man’, but in reality, it's not quite as simple.” 

I turn around and open the door. 

“It might be enough to be on hormones and see where that brings me, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have things in mind.”

I twirl around and face Hanekawa. “Sufficient answer?”

She smiles. “Yes. It's very insightful.” She looks around, before walking over to a bench nearby. We sit down together and she looks at me. She silently stares at me for a few seconds before speaking. “So I have an idea of your dysphoria. And I have an idea of how you want to come out and present. I’ve gotten in touch with people who will be able to help you with those issues. So I think what I can most help you with, as things currently are, is to come out to those around you. And to that effect, I think, I should help you come out to Koyomi.”

It’s my turn to stare silently.

“Would you prefer to save coming out to Koyomi for later?”

I don't respond.

I start thinking. Coming out to Koyomi is something that will need to happen, but there's no need to rush it, right? But then, he's my boyfriend. If anything, he should have been the first person I told. Except I know why I didn't tell him first.

“I-” I start to speak up, but as I do, the door opens. Kanbaru pokes her head out and looks around. Once she sees us, she shouts over. “Oh, hey.” She runs over and takes a seat on the bench. “Didn't hear any talking, so I wasn't sure if you two got lost or something.” She shrugs. 

“Did I miss anything?”

Hanekawa glances over at me. “Well, I asked him some questions, and he answered.” Kanbaru frowns. “So why the silence?”

I speak up.”Oh, it's nothing, I'm just thinking.” Kanbaru cocks her head. “Oh?” Hanekawa interrupts.”I asked him if he's ready to come out to Koyomi.”

“I see.” Kanbaru turns to look at me. “Well, do you have an answer? It's okay to be unsure.”

I open my mouth to respond, before closing it again quickly. “I really don't know. We've been over this before. I want to come out to him, but all the thoughts of every way it can go wrong keep running through my head. I don't know if I want to wait or what, but it's difficult to conceive of it happening in the first place.”

Kanbaru nods. “Well, in the end, it's your choice, right? I won't push you either way.” I nod and give her a small hug. Then, I look towards Hanekawa. “Do you have anything to say on this?”

I wipe away the tears that had formed in the corners of my eyes.

She's silent for a second. “I think the emotional support that Koyomi could give you after coming out is valuable, so if you think he would be supportive, you should.”

We fall silent as I consider her words. If I come out to Koyomi and he's supportive, then yes, as she said, he would be really helpful. But I can't help but be concerned about the possibility of him not being supportive.

“What do you two think? Would he be supportive?”

Hanekawa speaks up first. “Koyomi is far from a flawless person, but he always means well. I trust him to do right here.” 

I nod. “I see.” I turn to Kanbaru. “And you?”

She tenses up. “Well.” She stops herself and sits up. “Koyomi is a friend of mine and we get along well, but to say he has always handled my sexuality well would be a lie. He has gotten better about it in time, but it's clear that queer elements are outside of his typical viewpoint. With all that in mind, I don't think I can say for sure he would handle this properly, even if I'd like to think he would.”

She's right. Even I know as much. 

“Tha- That's a very important point.”

Hanekawa interrupts. “But I think we can trust Koyomi to be different when it's closer to home. Kanbaru was initially a stranger, it took him time to warm up to her. You're someone he knows. Surely he'll show more care and concern here.”

I consider their points. Hanekawa is right that Koyomi will make more of an effort because it's me, but Kanbaru is also right in that he doesn't have a great track record. He could be a massive help through all this, but I don't even want to consider the negative outcomes.

Hanekawa suddenly stands up and bows. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to turn into a debate. Feel free to disregard me, I'll just wait for the others to get back to me so I can get them in touch with you.”

Without thinking, I respond.

“No, it's okay. I'm fine coming out to him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this came so late in the month, but stuff came up and stuff. still, the chapter is out, and i hope people enjoy it. more to come


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